Through Fire I Come
by Skeptical Mutt
Summary: Spock has emotions that churn deep inside him, even if he won't admit it to the Captain or McCoy. Set during the episode The Empath and following


Author's note and disclaimer: So I was watching "The Empath" and I got irrationally angry watching how they were abusing the friendship between the "triangle of power" as I consider them. I do not own Star Trek. This one is set from Spock's viewpoint. Please watch the episode or have some knowledge of the events of the episode, otherwise I fear this fic will irritate you. Originally a one shot, but I think I am going to attempt to tie it to a few of the episodes, in star date order. Not sure yet if it will be a slash fic or not, let's let the reviewers decide. I don't normally ship Spock/McCoy, so it would be interesting if that was the way my reviewers want me to go.

The Fires of Emotion

"_Your action is highly unethical. My decision stands." I was intensely angry as I whirled to face McCoy, feeling the annoyance that came with McCoy's expertise at mixing a hypo that was guaranteed to take down even a Vulcan._

"_Not this time, Spock." McCoy said as he turned to face the Vians._

I woke up from the hypo that Doctor McCoy had given me with a burning sense of indignation and rage. I replayed the events that I could remember in my head, and the last thing I remembered was the hiss of the hypo. "Why did you let him do it?" Jim's voice was low and controlled. I resented the implication that I had allowed McCoy to incapacitate Jim for purposes of deception; however I did understand Jim's reaction. "I was convinced in the same way you were, Captain. By the good doctor's hypo." I kept my voice as steady as I could as I considered this act of betrayal. Anger was humming through my veins, both a result of McCoy's illogical actions and at the situation.

How dare McCoy behave in such an irrational manner that put himself at risk when it was I who should have been the one chosen. If Jim was mad, I was angrier. The doctor and the first officer were supposed to work together to protect Jim, so I understood McCoy's decision to take Jim out of the equation. To remove me as well though, was an appalling display of human sentimentality on the level that McCoy usually operated on. Although I appreciated his desire to keep both Jim and I out of danger, as it was one that I fiercely shared when it concerned him and Jim, his method of doing so was both irritating and illogical. Something I planned to explain to him, perhaps in a volume that I did not normally use. It would get his attention, and it would convey the desired message.

As soon as I had configured the device and we had appeared in the lab, I shifted my gaze and took in McCoy's too still body hanging limp in chains. Rage channeled through me, and although I fought to control my reactions, as I unclipped the chains that allowed McCoy to fall limply into Jim's arms, I couldn't help but ruthlessly plan how I was going to react if I saw the Vians again. I watched Jim lay McCoy down on the nearby bench and snatched the medical kit out of Gem's hands. Waving the medical tricorder over McCoy, my anger was transformed into intense sadness. McCoy was dying, and I knew I had to explain that to Jim somehow when I couldn't even come to terms with it myself. I laid one hand on his arm, once more wishing that he had simply allowed me to fulfill my duties to him both as a friend and as an officer of Starfleet.

McCoy coughed hard, and I caught him as he started to thrash and curl in on himself. I gently laid his head back on the stone and met his eyes as he struggled to stay conscious. "You got a good bedside manner, Spock" McCoy choked out, and then closed his eyes to preserve his strength. My hands remained on him and when the Vians popped back into the room I felt the anger surge back into existence. I angrily confronted them, not able to keep the edge out of my voice.

I exchanged a glance with Jim, gratified for once to see the emotions churning in his eyes. He fairly spat fire from those hazel eyes as the force field snapped up around us. I watched the drama that was unfolding with increasing resentment, and wondered why I was suddenly so unable to control my emotions. 'I am a Vulcan. I am in control of my emotions.' I kept those words close to the front of my mind, and was suddenly struck with a memory, a thought that reminded me of how the force field to work.

"In spite of what we see, all emotion must be suppressed" I cautioned Jim, and ruthlessly buried everything that I was feeling. The intensifying of the force field before I had successfully clamped down on the churning emotions was not Jim alone, and I knew he would never say anything to call attention to it, except of course to the Doctor. I also knew that Jim was aware that the sudden spike came from me, and that it cost me a great deal of my control to repress my emotions enough to escape, almost all of my control in fact. And although I wanted dearly to strike the Vians, I knew that it would only incapacitate me further, and sap my remaining control. I needed that control that was devoid of emotions in order to function. I was not like Jim, who could use his emotions to increase his control.

I was waiting for the opportunity to give McCoy a piece of my mind, as he was always fond of calling my discussions with him, and was fervently wishing to remove Jim and McCoy from the situation at hand. Trying to stay completely in control cost me something, 'my humanity' I thought absently, and as I clamped down on the Vian and took control of the situation, and in doing so freed Jim to join the fight, I felt something that I couldn't identify. "Gem has earned salvation for her planet." My voice came out flatter than usual, more damped down than even I knew I was capable of. Jim took over arguing for me, leaving me free to stare contemplatively at McCoy as his head turned toward the sound of Jim's voice. Even as we wrested control of the situation and gained the ability to beam back, being able to go was still not guaranteed.

Even as I felt the particle scrambling rays surround me, I was still half expecting the Vians to stop us. Two days later I was still relieved to be back aboard the Enterprise, although I would not admit to those feelings to anyone, and even more so when McCoy was pronounced fit for duty again. I had spent two nerve wracking days analyzing and considering my emotions, wondering why the threat to either human was a surefire way to get me inappropriately riled up. These feelings were dangerous to me, and dangerous to the humans around me. I had not yet been able to forget the fury that had accompanied the Pon Farr, and I knew that neither had Jim or McCoy. I had been violent and unpredictable. And so I had spent those two days shut in my quarters deep in meditative thought, trying to sort the emotions out so that I could banish them.

I was withdrawn from both humans, and especially Doctor McCoy. Jim, I was able to forgive because he had been the victim as much as I had been. But Doctor McCoy… he had been blatantly disobedient. Not only that, but he had deliberately put himself in harm's way, and that was by far the more grievous crime. After all, it was in the ship's best interest, not to mention my own emotional and mental well-being, that the Chief Medical Officer continue to function in a normal capacity. And to be honest, I was not sure that I would have survived the emotional trauma that the permanent loss of the Doctor would have caused. He was… important to me, even if I did not want to admit the reason behind his importance, even to myself. After all, it was not logical.

I finally reached the point that I was able to function quietly again in a quasi-normal way in a few weeks, and then my brain was stolen, as irrational as it sounded. Although it took a while, the Captain and Doctor McCoy were able to fix me. I was angry when I had my vocal cords back in my control. I kept my opinions to myself while the Captain was around, but I gave McCoy a piece of my mind, as the humans were fond of saying, as soon as I was able to get McCoy alone, in his office. He was constantly putting himself on the line to try to save or protect Jim and I. Ignoring the fact that Jim and I both did the same thing was easy while I was angry. But after having a bitingly cold conversation with McCoy on the merits of following logic, it was harder to convince myself that I wouldn't go as far, or even farther to protect that irrational and irritating human. And once again I was back to trying to work into a normal functioning state again.

In fact, it took until almost Star Date 5476 before I was functional in a completely normal capacity. And that was when disaster hit me, rocking me down to the core in a way I have never imagined possible, with the exception of the close calls that Jim had suffered. Doctor McCoy, that grumpy and irritating human, was dying of a disease that had no cure.


End file.
